You know how it goes. You’re cracking open a cold one with the boys when someone suggests playing a video game. You start settling in on the couch that has been stained by pizza rolls and what you hope is chocolate ice cream. It’s like you’re sitting on the world’s most depressing rainbow. You won’t find any gold at the end of this one, just pot.
Your friend Jake or Chance or some sh*t tosses you a controller and things are well under way. Before you know it the character selection has begun. Suddenly you’re all purposefully avoiding the female characters like they’re riddled with the black plague.
Rumor has it if you do indeed choose one of the girl characters you will lose…forever. You’ll suddenly lose the ability to compete with your friends because all skill goes right out the window. Women can’t do anything in real life so why would they attribute any sort of positive skill set to their virtual counterparts?
Everyone knows if you pick Princess Peach in Mario Kart that your friends are going to laugh at you. Don’t be a b****, Jeff.
You’ll be outcast for eternity and no one will want to be your friend. You will eternally sit in the rain outside while your friends eat pizza in the comfort of their shit stained rainbow sectional without you.
Don’t even think about pulling out the beer bong. The only beer you’ll be consuming is alone in your apartment next to your collection of dresses you Peach picking p****.
Do you even deserve that controller? Everyone knows you earn it by acquiring bro points. You earn them by wearing neon colored tank tops and not doing anything gay like respecting women.
It should be noted that you get double bro points if your name is Jake and you bring over a fresh meat-lovers pizza. There is no time allotted for anything remotely feminine, including Princess Daisy and veggies on ‘za.
We here at Stand Up NY take risks, girl characters included.