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Stand Up NY

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Bear-Squirrel Diet Plan

Not looking forward to the piercing cold of winter? Want to lose a ton of weight binging on your favorite foods and then sleeping for extended periods of time with no exercise required? The answer for the best diet plan has been in front of us the whole time. All we had to do was study the bears and squirrels. Squirrels, bears, chipmunks, bats and several of our other mammalian brethren hibernate during the winter time. We could learn a thing or two from them. There is now a full-proof diet plan based off squirrel and bear hibernation patterns. Here’s how it would work:

Step 1: Spend October and November gorging yourself on food (pool season should be over by then). I mean just going to town. Try to get as fat as you possibly can. Go for the super fattening stuff you usually stop yourself form having too much of. Chicken Strips, pizza, ribs, donuts, beer, cheeses etc… all of it. End your binging with the biggest, most fattening gluttony-fest of a Thanksgiving dinner you can possibly have. Pro tip: Carnival foods have the most calories. I’m talking Elephant Ears, funnel cakes, fried Twinkies. I’m pretty sure they eat fried butter at the Texas State Fair. You’ll know you’re successful if you’ve managed to double your body weight.

Step 2: Immediately after Thanksgiving, go to bed and don’t emerge or leave your bed until March. You can make a few exceptions to this rule, but only if you’re waking up for Hanukah, Christmas or other holiday celebrations. Also the Super Bowl, playoffs and other important sporting events are allowed. But for the most part you’re just sleeping. Don’t eat, your body will consume the excess body fat you gained. Animals do this because food is scarce in the winter and plentiful in the summer.

Step 3: Emerge from your slumber in Spring. At this point, you should have a toned, hot, model-esque physique with no cardio required. You slept your way to fitness. Go out there and show off your hot beach bod.


  • No actual exercise required.
  • Eat all the fattening foods you want for 2 months.
  • Get all the sleep you can handle and start the year well-rested.
  • Become one with your mammal hibernating brethren.
  • Guaranteed incredible results giving you toned hot body.
  • More success in life in general.
  • If doused with radiation and bear DNA, hibernation brings the possibility to obtain super-human bear-like powers? Bear man?


  • Potential heart attack before winter even comes.
  • Missing most of the NBA and NHL season. But we all know they don’t get good until the playoffs anyway.
  • Only works for people with seasonal jobs in the summer who are off in the winter.
  • Friends and loved ones will question your disappearance.
  • You’ll miss ski season.
  • You’ll need to find someone to feed your pets.
  • Too many people wanting to have sex with you after they see the results of this diet plan.