It’s 7 A.M.: birds are chirping, the sun is at its gentlest, and you are hungover from last night slowly acclimating to the waking state brought on by your alarm. You lie in bed, dreading your commute. This morning will require an extended yoga session and soothing ocean sounds- shit! It’s already 7:40! Here are 9 things you need to do RIGHT NOW if you want to survive the rest of your day.

  1. Get out of bed

What are you doing? Get out!

  1. Grab some coffee

It’s too late to make liquid coffee! Just shove a fistful of coffee grounds into your mouth and get moving!

  1. Assess whether you are clothed

You are not clothed.

  1. Put clothing on yourself

I’m sorry, do you exist in the 2006 film The Devil Wears Prada? You donot? Then just stick your arms                          through some armholes and GET OUTTA THERE!

  1. Collect your belongings

Phone! Keys! Car keys! Jacket! It’s 110°, you don’t need a jacket! Toss that thing out of the window, there’s no            time to think!!!!!!

  1. Get in your vehicle

Okay, you’re in the car about to leave. You can calm down now.

  1. Make sure you have everything

Phone ✓ wallet ✓ keys ✓ and we’re good to g- WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS.

  1. Go back and put on some pants

Self-explanatory, I do not understand why you are like this. What happened to you?

  1. Get in your vehicle and drive away

Forgot something? It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Just- as long as you can’t get arrested for public                        indecency, you should be good to go.

An hour later, you make it to your job as a traffic-stop mechanic an hour late. It’s a mess. Multiple car accidents occur, and you are sued millions of dollars for every single one. You need a drink. You go to Stand Up NY and laugh away the pain and the crushing debt; at least that’s how it should be. Your life may be ruined, but for the first time in a long time, you feel sane again. Come to Stand Up NY and feel sane again.